Volume 2, Issue 14

for-the-tortoise


Obama’s Latest State of the Union Message

by Ken West

“My fellow Americans, the state of the union is secure. We’ve achieved the state of perfect harmony and bliss, thanks to my signature piece of legislation, the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act,” as many of you fondly call “ObamaCare.”

You see, folks, I care about you. It was my fellow Democrats who crafted this train wreck … ahhhem, I mean, fine piece of legislation. They did it for you. They’re not like those mean-spirited Republicans and crazy Libertarians who only care about outmoded concepts of liberty, freedom, and stuff like that.

I say “Phoo, to that.” You and I know that America needs the wit and wisdom of Harry Reid and, bless her heart, Nancy Peolosi, to keep us happy in our ignorance. Who cares about consequences? We care about YOU. Yes, we do. Really.

Remember this important point: In a Land of Ignorance, thinking for oneself can get you in big trouble, especially with the I.R.S. So what if I gave them permission to persecute you? That’s my prerogative as leader of the once free world.

Don’t ever forget that we know best what’s good for you. Yes we do. We’re keeping a close eye on you with the help of that cracker-jack team at the NSA. They’re always on the job ready to nip thought crimes in the bud. More about them later.

Let me digress for a moment and praise those good folks in the Democrat controlled Senate. Recently you may have heard of that evil-doer, rancher Cliven Bundy, who let his voracious herd of cattle graze on Senator Reid’s land … ahhemm … I mean “public land.” (Sorry, there’s something wrong with this teleprompter. Bear with me.)

Home grown terrorists from across the land came to the great state of Nevada to cause havoc with the powers that be—namely me. Perhaps they were unaware that Harry Reid is a friend of mine. What Harry Reid wants, Harry Reid gets (with a little help from his Chinese friends, and me.)

And let us give thanks to our Federal Bureau of Land Management for its prompt and courageous response to rancher Bundy and his unruly herd of cattle. How dare they graze on “public” (Harry Reid’s) land. Fortunately, we in the Federal Government were able to resolve this issue by pretending to go away. (But, of course, we’ll be back. You can count of it.)

Finally, let me again thank the amazingly ubiquitous NSA for keeping track of your every email, phone conversation, Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, and Pinterest post. Due to their spying … ahhemmm … I mean diligence, we are now safer than ever from law-abiding citizens … I mean potential terrorists and evil doers.

Let me sum up the state of the Union. We’ve achieved the perfect bliss of ignorance. Keep up your good work, my fellow Americans, and remember—we’ve got you covered. Come out with your hands up!