Last updated on July 6, 2020
Editor’s note: In our last issue of the Matrix Gazette, we published an exclusive interview with President Trump that took place after his rally in Tulsa, Oklahoma. Apparently, the President enjoyed the interview so much, he unexpectedly reached out to us.
Early last Thursday morning (at approximately 2:17am) our Senior Editor was woken out of a sound sleep by an unexpected phone call from the President.
Being careful not to share any State Secrets, we offer you, our Matrix Gazette readers, a transcription of that call…
[My iPhone rings…] I grab for the phone, accidentally knocking my glass of water on the floor.
Me: “Shit… Who the hell is calling me now?!” I reach for a t-shirt to mop up the water. Then I grab my phone. “Who IS THIS?”
Caller: Sir, sorry to disturb you. This is the White House overnight switchboard. We have a call for you from the President.
Me: Yeh… Sure! I’m in no mood for games. Who is this?
Caller: Sir… This is no joke. We know it’s late and apologize. But the President says he wants to talk with you.
Me: OK, put him through.
President Trump: Are you the guy who interviewed me after the Tulsa Rally?
Me: Yes, that was me, Mr. President.
Trump: I wanted to reach out to you to thank you for that interview. I’ve gotten more emails and calls from folks begging me not to leave the country if I lose the election. I guess my threat to move to New Zealand had traction. Didn’t mean to scare people. Hell, I plan to WIN the election.
Me: Am so glad to hear that Mr. President. I’ve been a fan of yours way back when you hosted “The Apprentice.” Loved it. Was so happy when you ran for President and beat Clinton.
Trump: Yeh… “The Apprentice” was fun. But you know what’s more fun?… Being President!
Me: Mr. President, many men who had that job found it stressful and draining.
Trump: Not me. Every day I’m looking for ways to get America back on its feet again, especially after that damned Chinese virus. We had the economy humming until that thing showed up. Can’t trust the Chinese Government, even if I do like President Xi. I think their Politburo is like our House of Representative… A Royal Pain in the Ass, especially if they have anyone like crazy Nancy.
Me: Mr. President, with all due respect, why did you call me tonight?
Trump: Glad you asked. I want your advice. Been reading the Matrix Gazette. You’ve got a great news site.
Me: Thank you Mr. President.
Trump: You can call me Donald.
Me: I wouldn’t feel comfortable doing that, Mr. President. You’re the greatest leader in the history of the world.
Trump: I know that. But feel free to call me Donald.
Me: OK… Donald. How can I be of service?
Trump: Well, I need help. The polls are starting to scare me, even though I don’t always believe them. But… things don’t look good. The so called “suburban housewives” don’t like me. Can’t understand why. Hell, I’m as lovable a guy as you could want.
Me: Mr. Trump… I mean Donald… Your Tweets and temper are starting to backfire on you. Meanwhile, the Pandemic, the riots, the tearing down of statues, the race hatred are being blamed on you, even if you didn’t cause any of it.
Trump: It’s not fair, but I understand. Tell me more…
Me: Donald, you haven’t been Presidential enough in public. I’ve seen you in small gatherings of governors and business people. In those settings you’re seen as stable and Presidential. But when you’re being harassed… I mean questioned… by the media, you put on your fighting stance and show a totally different side of you—the combative one.
Trump: I can’t let them get away with their bullshit.
Me: I know… but there are other ways to handle them that are even more effective.
Trump: Fill me in.
Me: Watch your press secretary, Kayleigh McEnany, in action.
Trump: Yeh… She’s great, isn’t she.
Me: Yes! My suggestion is to let her answer for you. Or, follow her lead and don’t react instantly. Act as if you’re seriously considering the question from CNN, even if you know it’s bull.
Trump: OK, what else?
Me: Give a speech to the country in prime time outlining what you hope to achieve in your next term as President. Aim to sound as serious and Presidential as you did after you took the oath of office four years ago. That’s the way you need to sound when you address the nation.
Trump: Keep going…
Me: I think the only reason that Joe Biden could win is that he seems harmless. Instead of calling him “Sleepy Joe,” come up with a name that tells the American people that Joe Biden is the tip of a Democratic leftist iceberg, seemingly benign above the surface, but deadly as hell below.
Trump: Yeh… I like that. How about “Creepy Joe” or “Iceberg Joe” … No, let me work on that. Good ideas. Keep going…
Me: You need to remind voters of your Administration’s many accomplishments, and more importantly, your plans for your next term. Come up with a catch phrase like “The New Frontier,” or “Speak softly, and carry a big stick,” or “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.” Something that voters can remember and repeat.
Trump: Well, we’ve already got “Make America Great Again.” [Trump pauses.] Excuse me… That was Melania wanting to know who I was talking with. I don’t think she likes me calling people in the middle of the night or morning when most people are sleeping. But that’s when I get my best ideas. So, you were saying…
Me: Oh… Donald, I almost forgot to ask… What do you think of your former National Security Advisor, John Bolton and his new book?
Trump: I had to fire that guy. He never saw a war he didn’t like. Hell, he even tried to get me to invade Iran! Now, he’s sour grapes. Good riddance. And who cares about his book? It’s all lies. But, every Democrat in existence will buy it. Maybe he’ll get them into some future war. Who knows?
Me: I just thought of one more thing… Get Melania to do more public appearances. She’s a terrific spokesperson for women. Also, Ivanka. Get them both into active campaigning. You’ve got to appeal to women voters, or…
Trump: Or, I’ll lose? Yeh, that could happen. But now, I’ve got some great advice from you. Let’s plan to meet periodically over the phone or in person. I’ll put in plugs for the Matrix Gazette. If fact, I’ll get everyone here at the White House to subscribe. How about it?
Me: It would be my honor, Mr. President.
Trump: Just call me Donald.
Me: Thank you… Donald. Looking forward to speaking with you again.
Trump: So long. Keep up the good work. [The call ends.]