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BREAKING NEWS! – Joe Biden talks Coronavirus

Last updated on April 14, 2020


Our intrepid senior editor was able to secure an interview with the ostensible democrat presidential nominee.

Joe Biden talks Coronavirus

We got the opportunity to interview Former Vice President, Joe Biden, while he was on his way to… (He wasn’t sure where he was going, but he knew he was going somewhere.)

MG (Matrix Gazette): “Vice President Biden, thank you for agreeing to talk with us.”

JB (Joe Biden): “My pleasure… What news organization did you say you were from?”

MG: “The Matrix Gazette, sir.”

Biden: “Oh yeh… The Matrix… They made a movie about you guys a while back, didn’t they?”

MG: “No sir, that was a different Matrix, although in some ways, it could have been about us. What we’d like to talk about today is COVID-19, the Coronavirus.”

Biden: “Yeh, I’ve heard about that. What would you like to know about it?”

MG: “Well sir, what do you think should be done about it?”

Biden: “We should investigate it. I think my friend, Senator Jerry Nadler is investigating how Trump caught it from some floozy.”

MG: “Vice President Biden, you may be thinking of something else entirely. We’re talking about the Coronavirus that originated in Wuhan, China.”

Biden: “Oh, that one… The Chinese are so inventive. They’re leaving us in the dust. It’s time for us to compete!”

MG: “Sorry sir, you may be confusing it with something else. The Coronavirus has caused a worldwide pandemic that’s gripping the world now. As President, what would you do about it?”

Biden: “Well, you’ve got to remember that I’m only the Vice President. Barack will tell me what to do.”

MG: “But aren’t you running for President of the United States? You’re trying to defeat Donald Trump and the Republicans.”

Biden: “Yes indeed. Thanks for reminding me. OK, number one: I’d quarantine all the Corona Beer shipments from Mexico. Number two, I’d tell China to brew their own beer and stop sending us inferior Mexican beer. And, number three, I’d direct the Surgeon General to mandate warning labels on Corona beer… and maybe Dos Equis beer, just to be safe.”

MG: “Mr. Biden… I mean former Vice President Biden, with all due respect, I think you’re confused. The Coronavirus has nothing to do with Corona beer. It’s about a dangerous virus that originated in Wuhan China. They think it was from bats sold at an open meat market.”

Biden: “Thanks for the update. I never did like bats. Funny creatures. Hey… when I’m elected would you like to be my special advisor to… What is it called again?”

MG: “The Coronavirus, specifically, COVID-19.”

Biden: “Oh yeh. Thanks. Sometimes I forget stuff. But, back to my campaign. I promise, if I’m elected, that I’d carry on the great work that Barack and I did a few years back.”

MG: “I can see your campaign manager over there signaling to wrap it up… fast. So, let me ask you one more question: Why do you want to be President?”

Biden: “I don’t really know… I’ll figure that out when I get elected. But, right now, we’ve got to do something about that thing we were just talking about… What was it?”

Meanwhile, Biden’s campaign manager pulls Biden away and tells Joe that the interview is over.

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