Last updated on June 29, 2020
In Tulsa, Oklahoma on Saturday after his nighttime rally, President Trump secretly met with the Matrix Gazette Senior Editor for our exclusive interview.
Matrix Gazette (MG): Mr. President, it’s an honor to meet and talk with you.
President Trump: My pleasure. Been reading your interviews with Sleepy Joe. Good stuff! You’ve got a great publication there!
MG: Thanks, Sir. We try harder.
Trump: Speaking of which, what happened to Fox News? Those guys used to be good to me. Now, they’re starting to sound like a CNN. That damn Chris Wallace. What a jerk.
MG: President Trump, why do you think the media gangs up on you?
Trump: They’re jealous… ‘cause I’ve got better ratings than them.
MG: Well, the polls haven’t looked too good lately. And, you didn’t get the huge crowds you thought you’d get for tonight’s rally.
Trump: Hell, I got over six thousand fans that showed up… despite the scare tactics the media’s been hashing out. I doubt if Sleepy Joe could get six hundred!
MG: You’re probably right, Mr. President.
Trump: Of course, I’m right. Been right all along. Never been wrong… except when I picked Jeff Sessions.
MG: Who do you think Biden will pick for his VP?
Trump: Depends on what his handlers tell him to do. They want a “woman of color,” but I think your Matrix Gazette prediction of a few weeks ago was right. He’ll pick Pocahontas. But you know what?… If I were Joe, I’d pick Tulsi! Hell, even I would pick her if only she’d switch parties.
MG: Can we quote you on that, President Trump?
Trump: Hell yes! Quote me on anything you want. Just don’t make up stuff like the corrupt media does.
MG: President Trump, what will you do if you lose this election?
Trump: Got plenty to do. Need to start making money again. This job has been a real drag on the Trump Organization. Maybe I’ll open some more casinos…
MG: Do you really think you’ll lose?
Trump: Who knows. I just keep fighting for the American people. For jobs. For American manufacturing. Was really successful. Making big progress toward full employment. Then that God-damned Chinese virus hit.
MG: Are you satisfied that you did the right thing by allowing State governors to make their own choices on the lockdown?
Trump: My big mistake was listening to Tony Fauci. First, he said, “Don’t worry.” Then later, he did an about face and said the world was coming to an end if we didn’t lock everything down. I thought the guy knew what he was talking about. He scared the shit out of everyone. Now, people are wearing masks even when they’re in the woods. Makes no sense. Turned us into whimpering idiots.
MG: Are you prepared for a spike of infections as the country slowly opens up?
Trump: You know what spiked! Unemployment. Poverty. Suicide. Drug abuse. That’s what spiked. The lockdown couldn’t go on any longer. Would kill what’s left of the economy. The American people better hope I get re-elected. If Biden wins, we’re screwed. Especially if he picks Pocahontas or Kamila as his running mate.
MG: Why’s that?
Trump: The Democrats want to regulate our lives, from cradle to grave. If they get in, I’m moving to New Zealand! Will take the whole Trump Organization with me.
MG: Wow, Mr. President. Would you really do that?
Trump: You bet. They’ve got some great golf courses. Played a round or two at the Titirangi Golf Club. Hell, I’d like to buy that place.
MG: President Trump, it’s been a pleasure talking with you. Will you allow us to interview you once again before the election? Or, even after the election?
Trump: Sure. I like the Matrix Gazette. Great publication. You can come and see me at the White House if I win. If I lose, I’ll meet you in New Zealand.