Last updated on April 21, 2020
Editor’s note: Here at the Matrix Gazette, we envision other possibilities. We asked ourselves, “What if Dr. Anthony Fauci, the main architect of the Trump Administration’s White House Coronavirus Task Force, was a parish priest hearing confession?” In doing so, however, we cast no aspersions against the Catholic Church.
[The sliding confessional panel opens…]
Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.
It’s been five and a half weeks since my last confession.
Here are my sins…
I’ve had impure thoughts eleven times while social distancing, especially about members of the opposite sex.
I’ve harbored ill-will against the mayor, the governor, and the President. I lost count of how many times.
I shopped at Home Depot… without a mask yesterday.
I’ve done other bad things, father, of which I find it difficult to speak.
[Father Fauci] “What other things, my son? You can tell me.”
Well, I’ve had more impure thoughts, Father…
[Father Fauci] “Go ahead son…”
OK… I’ve had impure thoughts about Sister Birx, that pretty nun you work with on the Coronavirus task force. And… I sort of acted on those thoughts, if you know what I mean… more than once.
[Father Fauci] “I see. You may not realize this, my son, but even I have had such thoughts.”
Gee, Father, I had no idea. Did YOU go to confession?
[Father Fauci] “Yes, my son. But I confessed my sins directly to God, since I’m pretty sure I’ll be canonized a Saint after I’ve left this veil of tears. Meanwhile, do you have any other sins to confess?”
Yes, Father. I’ve just begun… Let me start with the toilet paper…
[Twenty-five minutes later… Father Fauci gives absolution.]
“For your penance, my son, say twelve Hail Marys, three Acts of Contrition, seven Our Fathers, and above all, don’t go to the grocery store.”
But Father Fauci, what if I need to buy food?
“Try fasting for seven days, my son. You most likely could afford to lose some weight. And, to help you through this ordeal, find a copy online of Mao’s Little Red Book. It’s full of insight on how to eliminate antisocial behavior.
“Go in peace, my son, and sin no more.”
[Father Fauci shuts the sliding confessional panel.]