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Father Anthony Fauci Hears Confession

Last updated on April 21, 2020

Editor’s note: Here at the Matrix Gazette, we envision other possibilities. We asked ourselves, “What if Dr. Anthony Fauci, the main architect of the Trump Administration’s White House Coronavirus Task Force, was a parish priest hearing confession?” In doing so, however, we cast no aspersions against the Catholic Church.

[The sliding confessional panel opens…]

Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.

It’s been five and a half weeks since my last confession.

Here are my sins…

I’ve had impure thoughts eleven times while social distancing, especially about members of the opposite sex.

I’ve harbored ill-will against the mayor, the governor, and the President. I lost count of how many times.

I shopped at Home Depot… without a mask yesterday.

I’ve done other bad things, father, of which I find it difficult to speak.

[Father Fauci] “What other things, my son? You can tell me.”

Well, I’ve had more impure thoughts, Father…

[Father Fauci] “Go ahead son…”

OK… I’ve had impure thoughts about Sister Birx, that pretty nun you work with on the Coronavirus task force.  And… I sort of acted on those thoughts, if you know what I mean… more than once.

[Father Fauci] “I see. You may not realize this, my son, but even I have had such thoughts.”

Gee, Father, I had no idea. Did YOU go to confession?

[Father Fauci] “Yes, my son. But I confessed my sins directly to God, since I’m pretty sure I’ll be canonized a Saint after I’ve left this veil of tears.  Meanwhile, do you have any other sins to confess?”

Yes, Father. I’ve just begun…  Let me start with the toilet paper…

[Twenty-five minutes later… Father Fauci gives absolution.]

“For your penance, my son, say twelve Hail Marys, three Acts of Contrition, seven Our Fathers, and above all, don’t go to the grocery store.”

But Father Fauci, what if I need to buy food?

“Try fasting for seven days, my son. You most likely could afford to lose some weight. And, to help you through this ordeal, find a copy online of Mao’s Little Red Book. It’s full of insight on how to eliminate antisocial behavior.

“Go in peace, my son, and sin no more.”

[Father Fauci shuts the sliding confessional panel.]


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