Over strenuous objections of his campaign manager, Democrat Presidential nominee, Joe Biden agreed to an unprecedented third interview with the Matrix Gazette.
MG (Matrix Gazette): Thank you so much, former Vice President Biden, for meeting with us for the third time!
JB (Joe Biden): My pleasure… Remind me once more who you are.
MG: We’re the Matrix Gazette. You met with us on April 13th and May 11th.
JB: Oh yeh… What did we talk about?
MG: Well, your campaign for one thing. And your possible choices for VP.
JB: Yes, my campaign. It’s humming along nicely. Got lots of emails and letters from folks. Too bad I can’t go out and meet them.
MG: On last Saturday, President Trump held a rally in Tulsa, Oklahoma. Will you be hitting the campaign trail with your own rallies soon?
JB: Well, if my campaign manager says it’s OK, then I probably will. But isn’t there some kind of flu virus going on?
MG: Yes… COVID-19. Supposed to be a lot more dangerous than the regular flu.
JB: Yeh, I guess it’s a big problem. Donald Trump caused it, didn’t he? Wasn’t it all about some floozy he had sexual relations with? Really disgusting.
MG: No, I think you’ve got it confused with something else. It’s the global pandemic that’s the problem.
JB: Oh yeh… I never did like pandemics. Big problem. We’ve got a position paper on it, I think. Check my website to find out. Good stuff there. I’ve got a lot of smart handlers… I mean staff, who keep the whole thing going.
MG: What thing is that, Mr. Vice President?
JB: I mean my campaign. They tell me what to do, but I fooled them this time… I agreed to meet with you.
MG: And, we appreciate that, Mr. Biden. We know you had stiff opposition from them about this interview. Why do you think they didn’t want you to do it?
JB: Don’t know. My guess is they think I might say something crazy or controversial. Hell, I’ve been in this racket for 47 years. I know how to handle myself. Want to watch me do push-ups?
MG: Thanks, but that won’t be necessary. We can see you’re in good shape. But there is some concern about your mental functioning…
JB: What mental functioning?… I can run rings around those naysayers. Want to see me do a crossword puzzle? Or, how about a game of checkers. I’m good at checkers. Used to play a game of two with Tip O’Neil. Even played a game with Nancy Pelosi… but she cheats.
MG: Mr. Vice President, let’s move on to your potential choices for VP. You know that we’ve made an official prediction that it would be Elizabeth Warren. But lately, you’re being pressured to choose a woman of color… perhaps like Kamila Harris. Can you give us a hint of who’s in the top tier of potential VPs?
JB: Sure… I may still pick Elizabeth. Hell, as an Indian… I mean Native American, she’s a woman of color, isn’t she? And, as far as Kamila goes, I never did like that woman. Gives me a hard time if I try to sniff her hair. (I don’t even like her hair. But for Liz Warren… if she would only grow it longer, I could get into it.)
MG: When will you make your announcement about VP?
JB: Whenever my campaign manager tells me. Smart as a whip. But hell, I may surprise her and announce right after this interview…
Suddenly, Biden’s campaign manager comes running out, telling us that the interview is over.
JB: Now wait just a cotton-picking minute, Missy. I wasn’t finished yet.
Biden stomps his feet, digs in his heels and refuses to move. His campaign manager gives up and returns to the wings of the studio.
MG: Thank you, Joe, for agreeing to continue. We have a lot of ground to cover. For instance, what is your position on police brutality and “defunding the police,” especially after that horrific death of George Floyd in Minneapolis.
JB: Never did like police brutality. But it makes no sense to defund the police. We’ve got to keep the police unions in our pocket. Hell, they need money… lot’s of it. What I think we should do is… [Biden stops and looks confused.]
MG: What were you going to say?
JB: I forgot. What were we talking about?
MG: Police brutality and defunding the police.
JB: Oh yeh. Check out our website. We’ve got stuff up there to explain it all.
MG: OK, will do. Let’s switch gears. What’s your plan to revitalize the economy?
JB: I’m glad you asked that. We’ve got to get people back to work. They need jobs.
MG: How will you get people back to work? Where will those jobs come from? Many jobs were lost or eliminated during the lockdown of the economy.
JB: We’ll do what FDR did… We’ll start a major public works project and get those lazy asses to do some real work for a change. Does a man good to work with his hands. That’s what we’ll do!
MG: But what about high tech and service jobs?
JB: Huh? Oh yeh… We’ll get them back to work too. Somehow. Got to check out our website. Has lots of things to say about all that.
MG: Mr. Vice President, your campaign manager is giving us the time’s up signal. So, here’s your final question: Why do you want to be President?
JB: Well, I’ve got to do something! Been kind of boring sitting around waiting for them to tell me what to do. I want to be President so I can tell them what to do! Hell… they might even do it!
MG: Thank you, Vice President Biden for meeting with us.
JB: My pleasure, son. Once I’m President, come over to the White House. We might have a job for you in the Biden Administration.
Meanwhile, Joe shuffles out as he’s led from the studio and into a waiting limo.