Last updated on September 28, 2020
On September 13th, a The Washington Post headline announced, “Mike Bloomberg to spend at least $100 million in Florida to benefit Joe Biden.” Florida, of course, is a key state in the Presidential election this November.
As a public service to our Matrix Gazette readers and as a tribute to Mr. Bloomberg, we composed a little prayer to “Saint Bloomberg.”
My fellow Americans, we gather here to praise the Nanny State and to worship at the altar of our benevolent Masters. We are fortunate, my friends, to have the sublime examples of our living Patron Saints. So first, let us praise those who epitomize the benevolent and almighty Nanny State.
Kneel down, you pathetic sinners, and praise the Holiest of Holies, Saint Bloomberg, former Mayor of the Big Apple (and once Democratic Presidential candidate). He, above all that walk the Earth, epitomizes the wonders of Nannyhood.
Let us pray to his once great Symbol of Power—the 20-ounce Soda Cup oozing with evil sugary drinks and sweetened tea. Saint Bloomberg fought the Holy Battle to outlaw this scourge of the land and protect us from its devilish clutches.
Though that battle was lost, his Holy War continues, focused now on getting Sleepy Joe Biden into the White House (so Saint Kamala can become the real President) and Saint Bloomberg can get a government job.
Remember that Saint Bloomberg protected the Homeless Ones from having variety in their diet. Thankfully, he outlawed the scourge of food donations from those who wrongfully sought to help the homeless.
Saint Bloomberg’s Food Police justified this ban on the grounds that they are unable to test the salt, fat and fiber content of these donations. Thus, the poor slobs — we mean the homeless — were protected from home-cooked meals and donated bagels. (Fortunately, current mayor, Saint De Blasio carries on this good work.)
But now, let us remember another Patron Saint of the Nanny State, Michelle Obama, former First Lady of Saint Barack. She made it her Holy Mission to protect our helpless schoolchildren from those very naughty school lunches that they mistakenly enjoyed prior to the Nanny State’s dominion. Saint Michelle conquered this scourge one school menu at a time.
Gone were those wonderfully devilish slices of school pizza. Gone were the cheesy goodness of Mac and Cheese with that sinful crust on top. Gone were the evil vending machine packages of M&Ms, Twix, and Good & Plenty.
Saint Michelle and her Holy Phalanx of Nanny State Busybodies protected our public school children with carrots, celery, broccoli and such. Unfortunately, the little devils wouldn’t eat it.
Let us now pay homage to the Quintessence of Nannyhood — Saint Joe Biden. He seeks to accomplish what countless Patron Saints of Nannyhood have failed to do — lockdown the economy once and for all, tax us into oblivion, and then wrap us in the Holy Vestment of the Flannel Face Mask.
Fellow sinners… I mean Americans, soon we will be protected from ourselves. We will be protected from cradle to grave. Our medical decisions will be taken care with the Holy guidance of Medical Advisory Boards.
Our doctors will be instructed on the best course of treatment for whatever ailments and diseases we experience. And, when we are old, they’ll tell us how and whether we get life-saving treatment. It will be decided for us because we and our doctors are too ignorant to decide on our own.
Let us all rise and sing the Holy Song of the Nanny State:
My country tis of thee,
Of no responsibility,
Of thee I sing.
Land where independence dies!
Land of Joe Biden’s lies,
From hospital bedsides,
Let suppression ring!
Praise the Mighty Democrat Nanny State.
Go in Peace, the prayer is ended.
Meanwhile, fellow sinners… Wear your face masks!